Part 3: Kobolds

My army-free fortress was about to face its biggest challenge yet.


I hate kobolds. I HATE them. Why?

Well, there I was, feeling smug and secure in my wealthy fortress. I’ve got rows and rows and rows of traps set up at the entrance. Surely nothing can get through. Then the kobolds attack. And what do they do? They walk RIGHT OVER THE TRAPS, completely unharmed. I keep waiting for one of them to get crushed, but it just doesn’t happen. Imagine my surprise – I’ve never encountered kobolds before in this game.

The kobolds make it through the stonefall traps unharmed. And they make it through the blade traps unharmed. The ONLY remaining defense is two war dogs I have on chains, just inside the fortress.

The war dogs rip into the kobolds, killing two of them. But it’s not enough. A third and fourth kobold slash at the dogs, knocking them into stonefall traps, killing them. The kobolds just used my own defenses against me!

With my fortress now completely exposed, I have no choice but to draft my very best miners into a temporary militia.

The miners, armed with their iron picks, kill a few kobolds. The rest flee.

Nobody was injured. Then I check to see if anyone was killed.

Heh, yup, they killed someone. Oh well, he was just a useless dyer. No big loss. I don’t even really have a textile industry.


It seems that traps just aren’t good enough if I want to survive here. But I still don’t want a military. I need something better. Something 100% effective at keeping invaders out, and yet allowing traders in.

I figure it out. I’ll build an “airlock” of sorts. When traders enter the airlock, I’ll shut them in with a drawbridge, and then open the drawbridge to my fort. It’s perfect!

I don’t have any usable screenshots of the airlock under construction, so I drew this instead:

Unfortunately, many dwarves were about to be killed while building it…

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My First Failed Mood

Originally posted by ghostxxx Raging Dwarf

Today I started my 2nd fortress. After good three or four hours of playing, I get a message, “Your miner was taken by a fey mood!”

I’m like, “Alright! Sweet! Artifact time!”

My lower floor began to flood right at that moment so I went to take care of that and completely forgot about the miner.

Ten minutes later, I recieve a messege “Your miner has gone beserk.” !!! Shit! I switch my view to him only watch him chase after my craftsdwarf and beat his face in with his fists.

I make a military squad to quickly take him consisting of my other two miners, woodcutter and a mason. After fiddling with the menus I finally get them to attack him.

Within three minutes he proceeds to beat down my full squad while only sustaining a broken arm and an injured leg.

After completely teabagging my squad he proceeds to rape and pillage all my other dwarves. In horror I watched my whole fortress get single-handedly slaughtered.

The Stupidest Kobold | Helmbridge

One day, the stupidest Kobold in all The Dimensions of Wind came to steal something from Helmbridge. The most valuable items in all Helmbridge were two amulets worth only 2300 ingots each. The kobolds must have been falling on hard times to seek out such crappy treasure, or else this kobold was sent on a suicide mission by an annoyed kobold overseer.

Even though Helmsbridge was easy to access from all directions, as it was not finished yet, the Stupidest Kobold decided a one-kobold charge at the front gates was a good idea.

Three Elite wrestlers and three excellent marksdwarves were hanging around, not paying any attention whatsoever, when a tiny kitten that was slated to be butchered let out a small meow. All six of them looked up at once to see a small kobold with a heroic look on his gnarled face, long copper dagger raised high.

Arrows flew, and soon the kobold was dragging itself away as fast as its claws could scrabble the loose gravel.

The Kobold’s gut was shredded with the first bolt, and he began leaking his vitals all over the floor.

Thus ended the stupidest kobold’s life.

The dwarves would have given the tiny cat a noble name and title, for finding the kobold when six highly-trained military dwarves could not – but food stores were extremely low, and no dwarf would ever eat Kobold meat.

Helmbridge’s Population Control Chamber

Work is being completed on the new Population Control Chamber. Notice the Rushing Reservior of Drowning, Helmbridge’s most monumental achievement, is being utilized for this task.

Here is the control room.

The lever behind the door controls the floodgate to the Rushing Reservior.

The two top levers control the gates into the chamber.

The bottom lever controls the floor hatches, allowing the chamber to drain.

The drainage tributary leads directly a small bottomless pit.

Here we have closed off the western gate to the Population Control Chamber, in preparation for its first test! This is an exciting time for all the members of Helmbridge… but some Dwarves have not yet learned of this new device.

Here, a group of fresh, bright faced recruits jaunt merrily toward the chamber. They are told that the meeting they are attending is for orientation into the great fortress of Helmbridge.

All 16 eager dwarves wait. Some even brought their pets along.

The Second lever is pulled…

Completely sealing off all exits….

And finally, the Population Control Chamber is tested for the first time.

One-half second later – water rushes in faster than the speed of sound!

Inexplicably, the Dwarves don’t move an inch in response to the advancing wall of water. They won’t last long though – since there is no air left anymore.

Success! Every single Dwarf has been euthanised! As an added bonus, their useless pets can now be eaten by the remaining population!

Time to test the drainage system.

The water drains quickly.

Conclusion: The first test of Helmbridge’s Population Control Chamber was a great success. In the future, it will hopefully be utilized to combat elven invaders. Until then, it shall remain to discourage Helmbridge’s many workers from misbehaving.